Written by: Alex Sandell
A few days ago, I was spending another fun and formative fifteen minutes with my fabulous doctor. I had to get my blood levels checked, to make sure the meds I'm on to save my life from the wicked wrath of epilepsy wouldn't kill me.
Since I was there, I figured I'd mention that it's kinda burning when I pee. (Is it burning pee, or a burning penis? The world may never know.) I've had this burning in my pecker on and off ever since the doctor shoved a big ugly-ass tube up there way back when I was 15 years old (you can read about it in the '10 most embarrassing moments' section. The link's at the bottom of this update.).
It's always kind of uncomfortable bringing up bodily functions to a medical 'professional.' They may deal with shit and piss for a living, but that actually manages to make the majority of them more uptight than the rest of us who deal with normal things like working at a cash register or pimping ourselves.
'Oh, by the way,' I say, casually leading the conversation into my pee-problem, 'I have been having some burning when I pee.' The doctor looks at me. 'You mean when you urinate?' Like there's some gigantic difference. Doctors always want you to 'pass gas' 'defecate' and 'urinate.' None of that crazy 'ripping a fart,' 'taking a dump' or 'pissing like a big fucking race-horse.' They're too 'professional' for that garbage (or should I say 'recyclable trash?').
'Yes,' I return, 'when I, uh . . . urinate.' 'Mmm-hmm.' He returns (as if 'Mmm-hmm' is some sort of medical code-word). 'Mmm-hmm,' he says again. 'I'm going to have to stick my finger in your butt now.' 'Don't you mean 'rectum?'' I ask. He looks befuddled. As though pee, shit, piss, crap, puke, fart, asshole, cunt, cock, pussy, twat, prick, tit, schlong, balls and hard-on were the anti-Christ of medicine, but 'butt' is somehow considered 'okay' in the industry. 'I was just trying to make you comfortable,' he says, while pulling a clear plastic glove over his hand.
It isn't working.
'Could you bend over and lean on the table, please?' He asks. Is he now trying to make me comfortable by seducing me? What does sticking his finger up my ass have to do with burning piss I have which is due to an incompetent doctor back in the horrible eighties? Oh well, he's the pro.
First, I hear the *squeak* *squeak* of the Vaseline being rubbed over his coated fingers. This is bad. My sphincter tightens up. Not even diarrhea would have a chance of getting out of this hole. Next, I feel his fingernail entering my clenching buttocks. 'You're going to have to loosen up,' he tells me. 'Do you have a bottle of wine and some porn?' I ask, hoping to inject a little humor into this humorless event. He remains silent, outside of an irritated sigh. Maybe I should have said 'adult entertainment.'
At that, he finally just shoves his finger up, and proceeds to slowly rub it around my quivering innards. 'I don't sense anything is wrong,' he tells me, as his finger pulls out. Should I have felt something warm squirting out of his index? This just isn't right.
With all these advancements we keep hearing about in technology, why are doctors still invading our assholes? 'Hey, doc - I have a bit of a runny nose.' 'Mmm-hmm, let me take a look at that. Please bend over - I'm going to have to stick my entire hand up your ass.'
Are doctors anally fixated? Is this country obsessed with the rectum? Where are we headed as a world when we can't get past the place that we poop?
I say it's time we learned to stop worrying and love the finger up our butt. Why not? It's gonna be there. It's inevitable. At some point in your life your doctor is going to insert a foreign object into your poop-shoot. Now, you can be stressed out about it, and develop a tight-ass, but that just hurts all the more. Why not relax? Make it a pleasant event? Something you look forward to, even?
Next time I go to the doctor with a migraine, I'm going to be prepared for the anal invasion. Paint my buttocks pink, and add some black text and an arrow saying 'enter here.' Drink a few glasses of expensive wine (or cheap beer, if you don't have the proper finances) before going in, and let him (or her, if you have a tit-bearing human performing your dirty work) go at it.
Maybe I'll even pretend to have problems. I had green crap once, I could go from office to office claiming I have it again. Let each and every doctor shove a finger up my expectant ass. Oh - what a feeling . . . better than a Toyota!
I'll practice for days ahead. Stick my own finger between my buttocks while watching the Cosby show. Maybe 'Party of Five'. I 'spose 'My So Called Life' would be the most appropriate.
Learn to enjoy rectal-probing. Hey, you only live once, and why should everything asshole related be related to an 'exit' sign?
I'm going to do my best. I think I'll make an appointment for next week. It's almost awe-inspiring. Another human inside my butt.
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